The Box

Para allá para el año ’94 había en CableTV de San Juan, Puerto Rico un canal llamado The Box que tocaba vídeos musicales que la gente pedía por teléfono, similar a una vellonera. Aunque siempre estaban disponibles los vídeos de los artistas más famosos del momento, la gente gravitaba hacia los vídeos más extraños o locos, aunque fueran de artistas relativamente desconocidos. Recuerdo, por ejemplo, que los vídeos de GWAR siempre estaban en rotación permanente, al igual que Primus (“My Name is Mud”), Green Jelly (“Three Little Pigs”), y allí vimos los abortados comebacks de Vanilla Ice fumando pasto (“Roll ‘Em Up”) y MC Hammer como “Gangsta Rapper” y enseñando sus atributos en un speedo (“Pumps and a Bump” 😯 ).

Pero sin duda mi vídeo favorito era el del comediante Denis Leary, satirizando al “ugly american” con su canción titulada Asshole:

Aquí está la letra:

[Hablado] Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don’t know.

[Cantado] I’m just a regular Joe with a regular job. I’m your average white suburbanite slob. I like football and porno and books about war. I’ve got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.

My wife and my job, my kids and my car. My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested (oh no) no way (uh-uh) No, I’ve gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense (oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane, While people behind me are going insane.

I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole) I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, such an asshole) I use public toilets and piss on the seat, I walk around in the summertime saying “How about this heat?” I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole) I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces, While handicapped people make handicapped faces. I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole) I’m an asshole (He’s a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong NAAAAH!

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole, what an asshole) I’m an asshole (he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

[Hablado, en brote] Know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights… yeah! And I’m gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin’ down a quarter pounder cheeseburger from McDonald’s in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers. And when I’m done suckin’ down those greaseball burgers I’m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag, and then I’m gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain’t a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that’s why. Two words–nuclear fuckin’ weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want…they can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won’t make a lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne‘s not dead–he’s frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we’re gonna thaw out the Duke and he’s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times–that’s how pissed off the Duke’s gonna be. I’m gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin and Sam Peckinpah and a case of whisky and drive down to Texas…

(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)

Why don’t you just shut up and sing the song, pal…

[Cantado] I’m an asshole (I’m an asshole, he’s an asshole) I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole) A S-S H-O L-E Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay

I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it…

Me encanta. Tanto que hasta me sé de memoria el discurso entero al final de la canción. Hoy en día me acuerdo de la canción cada vez que veo a George Bush, o cada vez que veo a alguien con una actitud de “me lo merezco todo y no tengo que dar nada a cambio” (como por ejemplo, los políticos puertorriqueños 🙂 ).